Original post HERE
I wanted to give a update as to what’s been happening in the past two weeks. My first post got a crazy amount of attention, and lots of people were really kind and helpful, and I want them to know I'm okay.
This is gonna be really long, just to be warned.
To clarify, the medication I’m on for my condition is taken at night, because it affects me the way it does—completely knocking me out. To reassure people, I would not be taking his medication if I had a baby to take care of, regardless of my condition, and I discontinued almost immediately after finding out I was pregnant. Nor does the medication impact my fertility—that has to do with my condition.
After I made my post and read through about 300 comments, I think I went a little crazy. I convinced myself that I was making it all up in my head. I doubted everything I thought I knew, and I doubted myself. I went to the hospital to speak to my doctor about the medication and its severe side effects. I asked if it could make me engage in any sexual acts while asleep. I asked if it could make me misremember stuff. I asked if I was going crazy. The answer to all these questions is no, the medication doesn’t make any of this even a possibility, and no my husband doesn’t have sexsomina. Neither would the medication mess up my memory so much that I might not remember sex or consenting to it. This medication is NOT a sedative.
After emailing with my OBGYN who absolutely assured me her prediction of 5 weeks could very much be off by as much as the 3 that would explain my pregnancy, I had to accept that even if some stuff didn’t add up, maybe I was destroying three lives for nothing. I never woke up with any semen in me. I tend to sleep in just underwear and I don’t remember that being missing or wrong in any way. The pelvic pressure could be explained by the pregnancy. The bruises? I don’t know, but people bruise themselves all the time and don’t know how.
I talked to a councilor provided by the hospital twice. I made the choice to seek out professional help long term for what happened.
Things were bad with my husband, though. I accused him of assaulting me. That destroys a relationship. I was pissed at myself. I've kinda spent almost the past two weeks locking myself in the bedroom, humiliated and embarrassed and feeling like shit. We didn’t really talk much to each other, and if we did, it was about the baby. I think I knew our relationship was over at that point.
I went two days ago to get another ultrasound at 7 weeks, just to check on the baby because I’ve been feeling weird, and to get the pregnancy dated again so I could maybe feel less insane.
My OBGYN had a better look at the fetus this time. The original five weeks prediction was wrong. Even with a little bit of buffer time to be safe, I was most likely eight weeks or just about as close as you can get. We absolutely got pregnant during the night I remember having sex. And to clarify, we never used protection because my husband doesn’t like condoms, we’re in a monogamous relationship, and I’ve been told since I was a teenager the chances of getting pregnant are slim to none.
I was even more humiliated and embarrassed.
We just fought after that, and he got really mean and cold.
A couple nights ago we were watching a movie, and it was the closest I felt to him since this started. The fact that he even wanted to watch a movie with me felt like a victory. When it was over he asked if I really thought he could have raped me. I started crying and he started yelling, demanding an answer.
Before I could answer he started laughing and said he couldn’t get me wet enough to penetrate me if he tried. It was him just being mean about my health. My medication doesn’t just make me disinterested in sex, it makes it really hard for me to get aroused. When we have sex, we have to use a ton of lube so I don’t rip and bleed. I told him that wasn’t funny, and he said he really thought it was. We started to fight about my accusation and how it made him feel. When I tried to tell him how sorry I was, and how I was just really scared he wasn’t the person I thought he was. He said I tried to ruin his life. Then he admitted he tried to finger me a couple times while I was asleep, and never got anywhere, so he gave up, and that isn't rape.
I started screaming at him, demanding to know if he was telling the truth. I started hyperventilating. He started screaming back that he never raped me. He only used his fingers to penetrate me, only because he was desperate. He said I really hurt him accusing him of rape, and it can’t be rape because we’re married, and it was just his fingers and not his penis. And then he said he’d given me oral while I was sleeping once, trying to get me wet enough for penetration, and that was when he’d stopped. He also admitted to using my hand to jerk him off while I slept, but only a couple times.
So that’s the truth of it. Our baby was conceived while I participated, but my husband admitted to touching me while I slept. But it’s not rape because we’re married? He believes that. He stands by it. And I’m crazy for thinking otherwise according to him. Maybe I am crazy. He’s my husband. And I never heard of marital rape until my first post.
I don’t know what to do now. I don’t have any family outside of him. I have some friends, but COVID is happening and I can’t impose on any of them. We’re probably not that close anyway. Making friends is hard for me. I don’t have money, I live paycheck to paycheck normally and I’m out of work now. I’m scared to go, too. I’m not stupid. Staying is stupid.
We didn’t sleep together after he admitted what he did. He slept in the living room, I slept in the bedroom. I think I slept a hour, scared he’d come pick a fight again. It's been like that for two nights now. This feels like the end of everything, and I just don’t know where we go from here, or I go from here. He doesn't think he did anything wrong, and he's so mad at me for saying otherwise.
Honestly, I’m okay. I want people to know that. Just really lost. I don’t know if people care past this point, want another update, whatever. But I truly wanna say thank you to everyone who cared. I’m not used to having people who care. Even if I don’t know you guys, it was really, really nice. I'm gonna be okay.
Shout out to all the people who thought I’m lying, or some person posting a lot of fake stories all under different throw away names. I just used a throw away account because I don’t want my real reddit name tied to this, and the community rules said to. Even to the people who said this is fake, thanks for at least making me feel a little less alone. It matters.
TL;DR Baby was conceived with consent, but husband admitted to doing sexual things with me while I was asleep anyway.
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